drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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