yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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