Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
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