Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
My vagina is very pro this idea
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
