I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Randomize
