When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
