do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
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