I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
