do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
