I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
