So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
