every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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