First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
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