Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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