i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
