There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
