A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize