Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
