i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Randomize
