My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
So. Much. Porn.
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