I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
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