i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
