In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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