"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
false alarm, still single
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
