gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Randomize
