I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Randomize
