bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
And then he peed in my hair
Randomize
