i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Randomize
