That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
