so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
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