made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
