Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
