Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Success! We fucked roommates!
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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