I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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