Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
