she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Randomize
