Sorry, I don't speak sober.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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