well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Randomize