you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Randomize
