When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
