I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
