He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
