Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Randomize
