Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
