the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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