dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
