I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Randomize
