I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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