omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
