i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
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