he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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