You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
