I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
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