dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
