he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
