I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
