i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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