The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
