i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Randomize
