you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize